Placing one of these on your tongue and feeling it dissolve like the mildest chemical burn is a uniquely New Zealand thrill. They’re also the best option in those weird lolly machines where you turn the handle and the sweets drop down the chute. Is this relevant to anyone? I’ve only ever seen them at Placemakers in Kaiwharawhara and VTNZ offices. It’s a plain gummy done right. Small, soft, but still splits when you bite into it (the bad soft gummies don’t split and it’s gross). There’s nothing special about these strawberries but they’ve had many impersonators over the years and none have lived up to OG. Not everything needs variations. I’m someone who still spends money on vanilla coke and even I have no interest in red coke bottles. If you have a big sweet tooth, you’ve come to the right place filled with classic gameplay of rainbow mania, sweet candy drops, lollipops, and marshmallows!

All sweet gum is gross after approximately ten (10) seconds or seven (7) chews. I’m honestly surprised these are still available. You do you, concrete gum. L-R: Pineapple lumps, rainbow bars, tangy grapes, crocodiles, spinning top gum Update: I realise I have forgotten jet planes but I’ve already assigned numbers so unless they go dead last, I’ll place them here. Jet planes are good but are supermarket lollies. Condolences.]I discovered these late (year 12, shoutout Dilip’s Four Square in Wellington) but boy did I make up for lost time. Raspberry drops are easily the best value for money in that they last for ages and you get a bunch in every bag. The one downside is they make your tongue go red/purple which is fine for a kid after school and less fine for an adult in a work meeting. As far as taste and longevity goes, you simply cannot beat a raspberry drop. Oh how the mighty have fallen. The sharks are undeniably cool. That turquoise blue is stunning and immediately catches the eye when you walk into a dairy. And they actually look like sharks, which is rare in animal lollies. But they taste. like. nothing. And in this holy day and age, don’t we all just want to feel something? Place about 5 raspberries at the bottom of each lolly mould, you need about 1cm of space at the top of the mould, so push the raspberries down. You have to really love a lolly to keep buying it even after learning of its cancelled name and concept. Nobody loves these lollies that much. Here are some circumstances that may be likely culprits to less than expected results. I had to eliminate a few before I was successful.

Slice the strawberries lengthways, cut one of the limes in half and squeeze the juice into the sugar water. Cut the other lime into slices. The greatest fruit-flavoured chewy candy in the world. Tangy apples are to fruit bursts what Johnnie Walker blue label is to Jim Beam. I only just now realised how strangely Johnnie is spelled. Look at it properly. So many letters. But I digress, the tangy apple is a pillar of the dairy lolly empire and one of few wrapped lollies that have stood the test of time and convenience. L-R: teeth, marshmallow twists, coconut rough, sour lemons, tangy apples Hahaha sour grapes, get it? I thought this list would be way easier than the chips one but I’m already at 2200 words hahaha je suis sour grapes. The bulk-buying classic. The only two ways to see these lollies is in a one dollar bag or in a five kilo bag. No in between. There are technically three flavours and they do taste different but they’re still somehow indistinguishable. I can’t believe these aren’t in the top 10. You’re gonna get cancelled again.” – Alex Casey L-R: Y2K bugs, chocolate fish, sour snakes, sour peaches

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Whittaker’s toffee milk aka the extremely hard caramel chocolate that sits in a box on every dairy counter. Only now, probably thanks to health and safety regulations again, they’re sold separately in dollar bags. It’s not technically a “dollar bag” lolly in the same way that this list isn’t technically “journalism” and yet here we are. Toffee milk is the most sophisticated lolly you can buy from the dairy and for that reason alone, it deserves a top five placing. A truly sadistic move from whoever invented these tooth-decayers in the shape of teeth. They don’t even taste very good but you really can’t beat the interactive experience of moulding the fake teeth over your real teeth. Great gag and therefore great lolly. To serve, rim the glass with sugar, add a couple of scoops to a glass and then pour over 25ml of Framboise.